kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an early morning VENT... wet. wet. wet. wet. wet. wet... and very, very, very windy. how fun. I really, really don't like myself right now. Fallen back into the same old... I thought I was over that. UGH. Used sports as an excuse... but it was just me reverting back to my old no-self-esteem-or-confidence-whatsoever self... no one knows how so very annoying that is... I know what I should have been doing... yet I was avoiding.... and I have NO CLUE why I was even avoiding it in the first place!! AAAHHH!! I need some SERIOUS help & LUCK right now!!! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS!!!! Damn it all to hell. Not really, tho... b/c I need to have some fun... why is it that I think too damn much and I do this? Why can't I just do what I did before and just GO WITH THE FUCKING FLOW OF THINGS?!?!? Was that a once-in-a-lifetime chance or something?!?!?! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!! I mean... last year... I did the same thing... but I thought I was over that after all that's happened THIS YEAR... but FUCK NO... I'm NOT!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!! I need some VERY SERIOUS GOOD LUCK RIGHT NOW... and knowing me... I need to step up to the plate and do what I don't have the balls to do... which, is PURELY figuratively speaking, of course. I had a dream Mike Kenny was hitting on me BIG TIME and tried to kiss me... ::shudders:: IT WAS SO FUCKING WEIRD!!! AAAAAAAAAAHH!! Anywho... on that note... I must go get some confidence and do what I gotta do... I mean... There's no grey area here... just black and white. That's why I picked who I picked... but now... I'm making it seem more than it REALLY FUCKING IS!!! DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. I'm in big trouble. VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY big trouble. MAYBE-- JUST MAYBE-- this is why I haven't been sleeping very well... b/c I knew what I needed to do but I was too much of a god damn idiot to actually do it. WHAT THE FUCK?!? Why am I being such a damn dumbass?!?! ::bangs head against wall:: DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. I think I've messed it ALL up. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. this is not good. not good. not good. not good. and did I mention NOT GOOD AT FUCKING ALL?!?! Well... it's too damn early in the morning to do what I gotta do... plus the fucking internet is being extremely bitchy and won't let me on. Hahaha... Dog show @ the Fairgrounds today. I WANT TO GO!!! I am so serious, too!! If only... DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. When I was made... some serious confident skills were LEFT OUT and my self-esteem was MISPLACED!!! DAMN IT. What am I afraid of? Really? Is it rejection...? Not always am I rejected... and what form of rejection? Friendship is... friendship and nothing more. I know that but my fucking brain is wondering if friendship could be more. DAMN BRAIN... SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! One thing is I am never ever sure if ppl like me... no matter what I tell myself to be true... deep down, I just want ppl to like me and it seems I seem to think that ppl are nice to my face, but say shit behind my back. I truly do know this is NOT true... but I'm one no-confidence-at-all kid. I don't act it so much, but I am always wanting to know if ppl truly care. Would ppl notice if I was gone and never came back to school? If I died tomorrow and no one ever saw me again? Did I make enough of an impact on ppl to make them miss me? I've always wondered this... but I don't know why. For some reason... I've always thought ppl had ulterior motives. That prolly just goes back to me trusting but not trusting ppl. I have two sides of me. The side ppl see ('specially family) and the side those ppl who really really know me see. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be the same around everyone... but I know that around family, its a protection mechanism. I am always protecting myself from criticism and such. Usually not meant to be taken personally... but somehow I always do. I truly don't know why. Anywho. So I don't say what needs to be said b/c of some fear of rejection. Before... the good outweighed the bad. Now... it should ALL be good... but I seem to think this will just end in BAD. I have no clue why I seem to think that!! AH!! ::deep sigh:: I seriously need my head rearranged right about now. DAMN IT. I need help... and I know who I need to ask for the help. But I'm too damn SHY for some odd reason to ask for the help. Another thing that's been on my mind a bunch lately. How is it that I know pretty much all the guys in my grade... yet I've only dated one of 'em? Why is it that where I am concerned, usually guys don't step up to the plate & usually ignore what I'm telling them? Why do I care so much what guys think? Why does society have to make women think that a guys opinion matters so much? Why am I asking so many fucking "why" questions? These are the type of questions that I never ask of other ppl. WHY are you always yelling at me? WHY do you never act like you trust me? WHY can't you see how good you have it with me? WHY can't you treat me like the good kid I am? WHY do you always treat me like I am the worst kid in the world? WHY can't you just show your love for me more often? WHY do I think I am unloved? WHY don't ppl...? WHY do ppl...? WHY do I always push everything inside? WHY can't I just speak my mind? WHY do I hide when I am really breaking down inside? WHY can't I show ppl my hurt and pain? WHY can't I just take a chance? WHY NOT? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? I need to pick a new word. No more "why" questions for me. Let's see if I can rephrase any of those. Where a guy is concerned, how is it that I give his opinion of me so much weight over the opinion of friends? There's one rephrased. Let's try that again. When will my rents realize how good they have it with me and not treat me like the absolute complete failure that it seems they think I am? When I feel hurt, why do I push it away inside and not voice my feelings? When around friends, I act all cool and spunky and crazy... when deep down I just want to know if ppl really care and if they will ever show it.
Enough. The internet is being a MAJOR PAIN. So I am going to go listen to the rain. Seeing as how it's too damn early to do anything that I need to do right now... listening to the rain sounds like a plan. 4:55 AM - 03.22.03 Saturday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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