kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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laughter is the voice most ignored

-slip into my mind-

I almost had forgotten what peace felt like... for the first time in a L-O-N-G time... I feel at peace. Strangely enough, I have a D in APChem b/c my last take-home-test didn't get to Wilson-- tho I had put it in his box. SO... yeah. Quarter ends on the 15th (next Tuesday)-- OH SHIT. thinking about my parents disappointment & disapproval, etc & other stuff is the LAST THING I want to think about... FUCK...

So walking towards the school doors this morning, an intense feeling of disgust & dread was felt by me b/c I was thinking that I'd spend my day hiding... and I surprised myself by being my true self. Of course... borrowing Els' copy of LP's Meteora helped... I greatly recommend that CD... "Faint", "Breaking the Habit", "Nobody's Listening", and "Numb" are my favorite songs on it. "Nobody's Listening" is so... you have to hear it to understand. DOWNLOAD 'em NOW! That's a direct order! HA! laugh as you may... but it'd be very worth your time!

Gave Laughlin a copy of "After the Storm" and she really liked it... "Better than that last poem you wrote-- it had me worried. This one has a definite end." (definite closure I guess she meant-- and I agree.) Let Jill read it in second (Jon's got glasses! he prolly hasn't hadn't worn 'em to school since 6th grade!)-- "Seems you have a lot of issues" I nodded and shrugged.

Jason A's comment about "that person has something wrong w/ them" prompted me to say "Everyone does-- they just hide it well." so there is my wisdom of the day... "Everyone has something wrong-- some just hide it better than others."

some lyrics from those cool new LP songs...

Faint
i am � a little bit of loneliness � a litle bit of disregard � a handful of complaints � but i can't help the fact � that everyone can see these scars � i am � what i want you to want � what i want you to feel � but it's like � no matter what i do � i can't convince you � to just believe this is real � so i let go � watching you � turn your back like you always do � face away and pretend that i'm not � but i'll be here � 'cause you're all i got

i am � a little bit insecure � a little bit unconfident � 'cause you do'nt understand � i do what i can � but sometimes i don't make sense � i am � what you never want to say � but i've never had a doubt � it's like no matter what i do � i can't convince you � for once just hear me out � so i let go � watching you � turn your back like you always do � face away and pretend that i'm not � but i'll be here � 'cause you're all i got...

Breaking the Habit
memories consume � like opening the wound � i'm picking me apart again � you all assume � i'm safe here in my room � [unless i try to start again]

i don't want to be the one � the battles always choose � 'cause inside i realize � that i'm the one confused

i do'nt know what's worth fighting for � or why i have to scream � i don' know why i instigate � and say what i don't mean � i don't know how i got this way � i know it's not right � so i'm � breaking this habit � tonight...

Nobody's Listening
...try to give you warning � but everyone ignores me � [told you everything loud and clear] � but nobody's listening � call to you so clearly � but you don't want to hear me � [told you everything loud and clear] � but nobody's listening

...i got a � heart full of pain/head full of stress � handful of anger/held in my chest � uphill struggle/blood sweat and tears � nothing to gain/everything to fear...

Numb
i'm tired of being what you want me to be � feeling so faithless � lost under the surface � i don't know what you're expecting of me � put under the pressure � of walking in your shoes

[caught in the undertow/ � just caught in the undertow] � every step that i take is � another mistake to you

i've � become so numb � i can't feel you there � become so tired � so much aware � i'm becoming this � all i want to do � is be more like me � and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me � holding too tightly � afraid to lose control � 'cause everything that you thought i would be � has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow/ � just caught in the undertow] � every step that i take is � another mistake to you � [caught in the undertow/ � just caught in the undertow] � and every second i waste � is more than i can take

but i know � i may end up failing too � but i know � you were just like me � with someone disappointed in you

9:30 PM - 04.07.03 Monday

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