kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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oh wishful heart... please stop beating...

i've liked this guy for oh two years, and there was another i fancied during that time--but of course nothing happened. i never told that one, except in his yearbook. but this guy... i can't stop thinking about him and i don't know whether to tell him or not.

one reason i don't want to tell him is because... if something happened between us, i know now that if the chance came up, i would sleep with him. how can one guy make me want to give up so much so easily?!? i'm completely fucking lost as to what to do or as to what to say.

i'm pretty damn sure he has no clue about the way i feel... i've made it a point to hide these feelings. what scares me is i could almost say that...

i love him...?

i've seen all his girlfriends and the girls that he likes... but i wonder... is there any chance that he could like me?? i look in the mirror and i see a girl who wants to know love. but at the same time-- i don't see a damn thing that would attract a guy. i need... i need some proof. i have proof.

the pic i let Taz take for Shawn is proof-- and the way he reacted and what he said: "if it wasn't for sarah..." could that be true? and what he wrote... that i am the kind of person that guys would die for? i really, truly want to believe that... but i can't. i don't. i think i do... but that's fake. i pull it off... b/c i know that the ppl who surrounded me felt that way-- and i could believe what they believed.

but deep down inside... i can't believe. the people who surround me now... i've never been sure of how my family feels. i just know what they tell me-- with words, gestures, expressions... and what the people at school believed fades quickly to the distance... lost.

i want him. i do. i really do. ... but i don't think i could get him.

i think of shawn's reaction and of what he wrote in my yearbook... and i want to believe it. i want to believe that i could get any guy to like me--- that he may and could like me.

*shakes head* but why do i kid. i look in the mirror and see what i like-- but i also see the fact that i think i look like a 12-yr-old and that keeps me from seeing what other people see.

please, help me see what you see.
any advice... please leave a note. thanx y'all.

Signed,
Scared Shitless