kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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heartbroken

Hey.

I'm writing this now because I can't believe what just happened. I never thought it was possible. But let me explain.

Today I found out that I made Homecoming Court. I got a pass out of class during 2nd period and, along with everyone else, received the good news.

So, of course, I called my mom to share the good news; she couldn't be found. I called back at lunch to tell, but the line was busy.

I came home today, happy all day with the news, anticipating telling my mom...

Well, here I sit, on my floor, tears running down my cheeks. I told my mom about Court and then I showed her this absolutely gorgeous dress I want to get for Homecoming, convinced that for sure she'd let me get the dress. Yes, the dress is $119 plus $10 for s/h, but my mom hasn't spent more than $20 for a dress for me, or I've been given them or borrowed it. I already bought my dress for Prom (I bought it myself for $80), so I was completely convinced she'd buy it for me (what with it being my Senior year, and also my being nominated onto Court).

Well, that's not what happened. First, she'd instantly said she wouldn't sign the paper for Court unless I didn't bother her for a dress. Then, after showing her the dress online, she asks me when the first report card comes out. (Huh?!?)

I respond with, "I don't know" thinking "Semester ends Jan. 29th, but that's all I know."

Then she asks when Homecoming is, "Oct. 25th, but the Coronation is the 22nd."

She goes, "Show me your report card and if you have straight A's then I'll buy the dress..."

(WHA---?!!!)

Me, "What about grades?"

She said something about all these "meetings" and so I replied with, "I'm sorry for being Senior Class President and having responsibilities THAT I KEEP"

Her, "You must be a good student then"

Me, "Yeah"

Her, "Aren't you?"

"Yes."

How is it that one simple great thing like getting onto Homecoming Court can turn into a big thing about grades?

I told my mom I was sorry for keeping my responsibilities. Does being Senior Class President not mean a thing to her? She sees it as taking away from my grades.

How?!!

It was at that point that my heart broke. As the tears began to fall, I went into my room, closing the door behind me.

In a matter of minutes, I went from feeling like I mattered to someone (my school) to not being good enough to any one.

In a single moment I realized something. I cannot acheive my dreams with the thelp of my parents. Or, more correctly, I will never get help (literal, emotional, moral) from my parents to acheive my dreams, to be the person I usually know I can be.

As my eyes spill over, my heart broke with the actual realization that no matter how hard I try, my mom won't see the amazing person I am. All she sees (as it seems to me) is my faults and laziness and dishonesty and self-centered and the list goes on and on.

Laying on my bed crying, I can hear my mom messing around in the hall. Staring at my door, I think, "I do not want to know this person who can make me feel so very sad inside."

This past week, my mom was in Seattle and returned on Wed. I was so happy, my mom was coming home. I can talk to her and tell her about school. That never happened. She gave me a hug when she got home and said "hi" and that was it. She's been gone 4 or 5 days a week for the last three weeks.

Never have I missed my mother more.

As I cry, I realize... it's not my mom that I miss... it's the hope that my maybe just maybe she'll be interested in what I have to say. That maybe, just maybe she'll want to spend some time with me. Maybe she'll want to do some mother/daughter things... but it never happens. Not even ten minutes after she has walked in the door, she has said something (or did) that made me think, "Why'd you come home? It was so nice without you around."

Today, Friday Sep. 19th, 2003... my heart was broken. My mother broke it when I realized she'll never stop seeing what a bad person I am instead of what an amazing, strong, young woman I am.

For her, I will never be good enough.

Thank you for being there for me when my parents aren't. You guys keep me going each day by letting me know I am appreciated by you. I can only wish that you guys were my guardians (though, in a way, you are).

3:27 PM - 09.19.03 Friday

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