kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Curiouser and curiouser Sometimes, the best witness is an empty room and no one to hear you. Tonight, I let down my guard and admitted my deepest, darkest wants, my castles in the sky. And, my empty living room had nothing to say. Sometimes, the truth is all you want to hear, and sometimes the truth is lost. I spend so much time living my life as one thing, that I forget what is real, what is true. After six months of faking it till I make it, I finally see that fake as true and it is my reality. But, that does not take away from how lacking I am in true, genuine, human connection. Not just the sexual, the emotional, the physical, the heartfelt. When was the last time you sat next to someone just because you enjoy their company? When was the last time you called someone because you missed their voice, you missed them? When was the last time you contacted someone just to talk to them? I do all of those things on a regular basis, but all I am left with is a voicemail, no reply or a busy signal. I spend so much time reaching out, and so little time is spent being reached out to. Some days, I wonder about my actual impact on the people around me. With all the tv shows I watch, I often contemplate my own death, wondering who would be missing me, who would be at my funeral, whose life would fracture from my death? I've never had an honest way of answering this. Anyone I would want to ask, I am not able to see face-to-face, when I think such a time would be opportune for such a conversation. I would want them to know I am not having dark, depressing thoughts, more of a morbid curiosity, for it is always curiouser and curiouser for me. If I died tomorrow, would you miss me? Or wish you could have done something differently? I think... I wish I had the courage to say all those things I admit to an empty room to people. I wish I knew how to whole-heartedly trust someone again. I'm too jaded, I can't let them in again. They always leave me... 10:41 PM - 01.11.12 Wednesday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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