kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Decisions made. All I really want for Christmas is to be around people who love me and care about me. I even was trying to stay positive and contemplating visiting the parentals. But a week of leaving messages saying I can't come home as I work the morning of the 26th have, per usual, all gone unanswered... I remember why I don't go visit. I'm not going there and I'm not sure I really want to go anywhere. I don't have much extra money to buy gifts and I don't really know what else to do. I wish that I could invite all sorts of people over and have a Christmas party (never been to or had one before) but my list is five people long and they always do other things. Maybe this year I'll just watch episodes of Friends and make myself a big meal of... I don't know what. I've been feeling less inspired with cooking lately and partly because I've been sick and even called out from work. Is it starve a fever and feed a cold? I have both... Mostly, I just curl up in bed feeling weak and tired and wishing I didn't have to take care of myself for once. Wishing I could be coming hope to someone who cares and who will make me dinner and ask me about my day and.... dreams dreams dreams... I've settled on the fact they'll never be true. Just figments of my imagination. I spend so much of my time faking like I'm ok, and happy and fine and then, I come home and crash. I don't laugh, I don't smile, I'm just tired. That seems to be the only way to get through my days... The rude people are increasing and lack of common decency and common courtesy and manners and it saddens my heart. What happened to the golden rule? Treat others as you want to be treated? There's no other way I know to live and it gets more exhausting every day. I spend my days reading or watching tv or just sleeping... as if that will make the days go by any faster. I thought for sure, at least this Christmas would seem like "normal" but... I guess the truth winds out. I'll never have normal. I'll always just want it. 7:09 AM - 12.18.11 Sunday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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