kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Into the Pitch-Darkness No matter my age, it still hurts the same. No matter how strong I am or how independent or happy... it always hurts the same and just as bad and just as worse. No matter how much I push and building up those brick walls... they still keep hurting me, again and again. --- The bricklayer's job is never easy, never done. One by one he lays his bricks, bit by bit he smooths his mortar. Step by step me places the brick, centering after the last brick. Once placed just right, he smooths over the sticky cement place, the wall is one more stone stronger. --- After a long, tiring, well done day, I feel accomplished, happy, satisfied. Yet... I still feel that hole, just as I did when I was eight or seventeen. I stare up into a cloudless sky on my walk home, mesmerized by the boldness of the autumn's leaves against the pitch black nothiness of the sky, my eyes searching for the teeny dots of stars. Finally, I stand atop my roof, looking straight up into nothingness, wanting everything. I stare into the openness of all the universe above me and I want for everything. I want for a relationship full of love, laughter, happiness. I want for a life-partner to come home to, to call when I want to hear his voice, to contact me when he's thinking of me. I stare into the universe willing to see the future, to see my future children, my future home, my future life. I want so much of everything and just feel like so much is open to me. So many things I could change if I really wanted to and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I took that leap and went to anywhere in the world. My mental self soars above the buildings surrounding my body and blasts off into the sky, searching for that star that shines. Somewhere there is a future I yearn for, a future I want. Will that future happen now? --- 8:56 PM - 10.08.12 Monday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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