kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2am whispers I fell asleep on the couch again, moved to bed almost an hour ago and wide awake, again. If not for my back, I would sleep on the couch, but it gets too stiff otherwise. Its Friday, finally, and I should be rejoicing. However, I'm thinking of the insurance claims I have to figure out, the assistance I have to argue as it changed (quel surprise!) again and the visit. Not having another person to bounce off, not having a sounding board, not having a source of comfort this time around really is hurting. One of the books I read recently mentioned this, that once you have that great comfort, how going forward feels like such a lesser thing. Its true, and at my wide-awake at 2am nights, my heart aches for that. Life goes on, but everywhere I turn, people are marrying, welcoming newborns into the world, making life decisions and I want that so bad I hurt all over. Its like I've touched the sky and of course have gotten burned, but will never forget the feeling for soaring in that cloudless blue sky, the sun bright and shining, warming me with its nearness. Another year's passing and I feel older yet. Another person's lost to the single life and I'm still trudging on. I'm so jaded and untrustworthy and guarded that I wouldn't know what to do if it fell on me. I just mind my own business and continue alone. Nights like these I can't stop the memories and no matter how hard I try, I wonder if I had act differently leave or choose differently if anything would be different. Would I be almost 27 and planning my wedding, or already enjoying wedded bliss, or living miles and miles away, new town, new adventure with my lifepartner? I feel like I somehow missed my turn off and am driving endlessly, looking for a sign or landmark or option to go in another direction. No matter how great my work is and continues to progress, I'm still home to bide my time, waking up at 2am, heart aching with tears in my eyes. Was that really my only chance at love?? 2:51 AM - 10.26.12 Friday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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