kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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This Too Shall Pass

Ever have one of those days where, no matter how hard you try, no one is really listening to you? So you continue to smile and nod, when in fact, you just want someone to talk to you?

I want a friend to talk to, and thus far, I've gotten no where. The one person I want to talk hasn't replied and just seems like every one else is all curled up in their "Happy holidays OMG family" mode and have no room for anyone else. I hate this time of year as is, now I'm pmsing on top of it and oh, hello, here comes the sadness and pain and hurt of being an adoptee and all those things that once they start coming, the never stop until I'm curled up in a ball, crying, wishing I was never born.

Lately, more and more people around me are getting pregnant and having kids and I still wonder... what is this? This strange thing of having someone who is made from a part of you? I do not know this thing, this blood bond, its something I have never experienced and don't know if I ever will. And then my thoughts drift to my birthmom. At this time, should would have been roughl five months pregnant with me, as I was born two months premature. Was she really counting down the days to when she could be rid of me, abandoning me at that nursing home? I guess I should be happy there was someone to find me...

These are the thoughts the twist and poke and kick and bite and shove me to the ground, telling me no one wanted you then, and obviously no one wants you now. They yell and scream and kick me till I'm nothing but hurt and tears and pain. Then, they leave me, all alone, as always and forever.

But here's the thing. I've fought this, tooth and nail so many times, that I play along, curl up, moan out my pain, but I don't hear their taunting and screams any more. I play along, just enough that they feel I will not be getting back up again and they leave me.... Leaving me alone, to pick myself up, to dust off myself and to continue on. I feel the hurt and the pain, but then I let it go. I let it go and I let in the hope and love and laughter and forgiveness and beauty. I hope my eyes and I open my arms and I rejoice.

However I came into this world, I am here to stay. I am not backing down, I am not laying low. I am strong and confident and loved and cared for. Whatever happens, I am.

I am. I am here. I am loved. I am cared for. I am live. I am being. I am me.

8:19 PM - 12.21.12 Friday

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