kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 07.15.2019 Monday Entry Life does not always happen the way you want it to. It doesn't always happen the way you hope it will either. I am 33 years old and am still trying to figure out what I want out of life. At 28 years old, my brother died and that was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. A year after that I was hit by a car, crossing the street in a cross-walk. Now, five years later, I find myself contemplating life and what I want. I know that I am strong, I know that I am beautiful and I am my own person. I am independent, head strong, and also patient. I am always working on how to better myself, though I often feel like I have a snail's pace and try to push myself to jump instead of watch. I have learned to say what I want, say what I need, and to be blunt in my honesty. In a perfect world, I never wanted to be a mother, and that has never changed. I do want to have a life-partner, that I know. It doesn't necessarily mean to get married, however as an adult, I understand the financial benefits of this. I want to be in love and I want to be loved. However, I'm still trying to figure out what that means to me. I learn from every relationship and try to move forward. However, I'm still learning how to show my love and to be deserving of the right kind of love. I've loved someone who will never love me back, only in small ways, but it’s not what I want. Through the means of companionship, it works, but when I want a more emotional connection...it will never be there. It’s been three years and it’s time to move forward, time to move on. And then there's the other one....the one that gives me butterflies and makes me dream of castles in the sky. I keep going back and forth regarding what to do and how to leave it and I keep getting pulled back in. I keep wondering "what if's" and "maybes" and if I will ever get what I want. It’s funny, at the end of the day I just want there to be someone to be my witness, to always tell my stories to, someone who will be my best friend. Someone to always have my back and someone who I can let down my guard down with. Someone who will take the reins and hold me close and tell me that everything will be okay. Someone who will love me for me, who will always be in my cheering section and who will always hug me. I miss hugs, I miss physical intimacy. It’s something I've always craved my whole life, and that will never go away. Scientifically, I see it as being born two-months premature and abandoned in Calcutta, India as the reason why I crave such. What propels me every day is still the same thing I'd cry for as a small child, curled up, hiding in the dark: to never die unloved. 2:22 PM - 07.15.19 Monday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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