kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time to Walk Away "I would walk away I missed you very much yesterday. I was tired, so tired. I'm tired of having to re-teach myself to not reach for my phone and text you when I hear about a new place, restaurant, or movie. Three years of having that person to do shit with, three years of waiting for you to notice me, three years of letting you take everything while you gave nothing. So, on the 19th I said enough. I said goodbye. I said I'm done. I was brave, I was honest, brutally honest, I was sincere. I did not hold back and spoke from the heart, ripping the bandage off and bleeding before you. I needed out. Now, I'm here again. I feel friendless, when I know I'm not. But, who calls, texts or messages me to do things? Out of sight, out of mind, right? I spend so much of my life trying to be noticed, craving to be noticed, yearning to be noticed. I spent three years settling for being treated less than second best. So, I put my foot down and choose ME. I need to be selfish. I need to stop settling for second-best, or less than that. I've become introspective this summer, really looking at my life and what is propelling me. I've recognized that I have not grown out of my fear of being unloved. In fact, in thinking I was over that adoption issue, I started settling for second best. All of my past relationships show that. "Why won't you fade away/ Why won't you fade away" You have been gone from my life for 5mos of this year, so when I said goodbye, I did it once I knew you existed in the same county as me. But your actions.... After three years, I really thought you cared. I thought you called me a friend, treated me like a friend. But, those actions... they keep hurting and hurting and the knife digs in deeper and deeper, twisting back and forth, back and forth. God, so fucking careless of me. Really? This is who I want to give me heart to? Why? Why am I wanting this? So, I said enough. I'm done. Goodbye. ...it doesn't mean it hurts any less though. I've missed you, just like I missed you for every day of those 5mos you were gone this year. The difference? You weren't around so I found a way to live without you. I learned to be myself again. But fuck, I really wanted to go on a lobster roll tour with you this summer. I thought for sure... So, I take a deep breath. I get up off the floor. I can do this. I can survive this. I can love again. I can pick my heart up, sew it back together and treasure it again. I deserve so much more, so much more than I even know. I will survive this. I will find love. I will live life. I will be light. I will shine. "I would walk away 3:51 PM - 08.07.19 Wednesday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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