kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why can't I overcome my pain?
"...much like suffocating..." had such an absolutely awesome weekend! I spent it w/ the twins (E & M) and Des... she's their "little sister"... just a REALLY good family friend who's going thru some life changes. hope everything works out, D! she's really cool & I hope to keep in touch w/her.
got home to find something-- I read it & now I've been listening to Chevelle's "Send The Pain Below" nonstop since I got home. My aunt Mary is coming up tomorrow so I had to clean the bathroom & was blasting "Send The Pain Below" the ENTIRE time. after reading it, I wrote Karen a 6-page (3 pages just front & back) note/letter thing. second one I've written for her. just chillin like a pissed off villian who wants to yell & scream & rant & rave... but I'm pushing away my anger b/c I don't want to let my dad, once again, have an affect over me. the gist of the note/letter thing from his was that he can see me failing miserably in the future & is worried & wonders why I'm "distracted from my schooling" as the bastard put it. gonna stop thinking about that jerk and if asked, will lie & say I didn't read it b/c I knew it'd make me cry, sad, mad, or angry one way or another so its not worth my time to get all worked up over it. BLAH. moving on.
pretty much... to be told once again that I'll be failing miserably at some point is what I need to -- I repeat NEED to ignore. Noone really knows how much the shit he says really affects me... and this time around... I don't want to go there. So this time, I'm ignoring my anger & sadness and am continuing on like I never read the note.
Do any of you know how it feels to be told time & time again that I'm just gonna fail? can't he see that by repeatedly saying this... he's killing me? each time is another stab in my heart and my tears are my blood seeping away... neber to give life to me... just draining away my hope & popping my clouds of dreams.. oh how it hurts...
and ya know what? I wanted to call 'em both for reassurance that someone believes in me... but I didn't. don't know if her new # is working yet and don't know if he was around at all.
"...you used to beg me to take care of things/ and smile at the thought of me failing..." why aren't I old enough to leave home? ppl who see my house and everything think I have it al... when in reality... all that I really want is to be loved and shown love!
I just spent the weekend w/ a family who says "I love you" and hugs and shows affection and then I come home to the COMPLETE opposite! this rose is dying w/o any care! ppl say even the rockiest soil can render a rose... but is this rose dying from no sun? or no care?
"...killing me softly..." oh how much it hurts so I'm getting tired of "wanting" and "dreaming" and "hoping"... why...? you ask? b/c I'm surrounded by ppl who expect me to fail! why can't they just leave me be... before they kill me? ppl saw what happened before... well... this time I may go and do something drastic... like burn all my poetry.
why would anyone care? they all expect me to fail... so why don't I? I'm so tired... tired of fighting their negative hopes and dreams... oh so... tired... so much pain runs in these veins. why not just throw in the towel...? they expect me to... that's all they want... "...much like suffocating..." ...so much pain inside and always I must hide...
-.- [Playmate of Failure] comments 9:41 PM - 05.04.03 Sunday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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