kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Truth... growing up, I've always had pictures around my room of myself; more so after moving to Seabeck than any other time. My mom is always making fun of me and calling me vain because I have tons of pictures of me and friends scattered around my room. well, sitting here, I just realized the truth of the matter. the reason I've always done this is for reassurance. I've surrounded myself with pictures of happy times and fun times, of me actually smiling instead of faking a smile. I've surrounded myself with proof of better days and proof that there are ppl who really care about me and want me to be happy. I've surrounded myself with reassurance that ppl care about me and that life can be good and that it has been for me. am I the only one who does this? am I the only one who surrounds oneself with proof that life IS worth living-- that this fight is worth fighting? the fact that I've always needed this reassurance doesn't really surprise me. I've never actually had (or felt that I had) that physical reassurance that is shown with affection, shown with love. I wish I were in love-- I wonder what's its like. I wonder if I'll ever find love-- if I'll ever be so confident of a relationship that I'll do anything to keep it. but that's way in the future... WAY in the future. I'm not even sure what tomorrow or next month or this summer may bring. oh yeah... my mom mentioned whether I'd want to go to Long Beach while my uncle's up in Alaska @ the end of June thru July. I'd be away from home... and away from everyone. maybe this is the change I need... but for now... I struggle to get a hold on not letting my dad affect me and control me.
-.- [Playmate of Thought] comments 9:12 PM - 05.05.03 Monday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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