kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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moon shines brightly on this nite... but my eyes burn from the tears

so... i was gonna write a note after tonite, but i didn't know if i'd actually give out the note... so i settled on an email. who knows when you'll get this... i sure as hell don't. all i do know is this... i'm sinking and i don't want to be. i've just spent... oh... forty minutes or so of being yelled at and cussed at and at one point, thought he was gonna hit me. later, he explained that i should NEVER worry about him hitting me, b/c he'd never do it. that, i actually believe. but... i have that fucking apchem test on tuesday and i don't know if i... i just don't know. so much is wrong and so little is right.

every little thing my dad says hits me like a ton of bricks-- he has this effect over me that i can't let go of; an effect that only i should allow myself to have over me... it's always been like this. you know this-- i've told you.

but something i haven't told you is this... i never talked to my parents, i never showed them my poetry, i never found the strength or courage to do all the things i know i should. wanna know why? now, i don't know if i even WANT that with them... tonite, i was yelling at my dad and telling him somethings i never had before. told him how i hate how he always talks about grades, how i've never felt he's loved me, how i've grown up in a shadow. he said he's failed as a father to all of us, to my brothers and to me-- but he wants to change it. the thing is... i don't know if i WANT to change it. i don't know if i can stand to hear the truth. he already called me arrogant, stupid, self-centered... what more can i stand from him?

and the thing is... after all he says, he keeps going on about how much he loves me. how am i supposed to believe that when he keeps going on about how self-centered i am? one thing, though... he did say that i'm not a bad kid... but how can i believe what he says? all i can hear is the negative he says... he says it more often then the positive... its like he always adds it as an afterthought... am i just an afterthought?

but then again... he keeps going on about how much he loves me... great way to make me feel his love; i see him yell and taunt and cuss and swear.... and-- oh yeah, he loves me and always will.

if he loves me so much... why won't he stop seeing all the negative and point out the positive...? am i really just a failure and a disappointment? is that all i am to him?

i know you don't have the answers, DL... but you listen. thanks for that. see ya when i see ya and hopefully that will be sometime soon.

edit b/c i saw this comic this morning and got all sad and depressed inside. wish my parents would do this...

11:04 PM - 05.11.03 Sunday

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