kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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I am a HUGE basket case!!!

EXAMPLE 1: After last nite, I went into the SSC this morning and talked to Lindberg about all of it... she calmed my worries and told me I had every right to feel the way I did. It was normal. Nothing unusual about what I'm feeling. Can tell ya how relieved I am to hear that. The fact that I'm pausing on whether I want a "close" relationship w/ my dad is something that is fine for me to be wondering. She said I need to realize what will work for me... on my own terms. I need to let him know that it can't work on his terms, that if it must work, he must allow me to come about on my own time. That'll be hard to say... but... I gotta say it somehow. Maybe writing a letter may help... but who knows... for now... I just want tomorrow to be over.

EXAMPLE 2: Talking to Eliya about the practice exam we had to do over the weekend, it made me see how I'm not the only stressed out person whose in APChem and then PDM. The fact that Ms. Andrew finally realized how much god damned stress she was putting on us by making the Chapter test the day right AFTER the damned AP Chem test... is very nice--relieves a lil' bit of my stress... and that's something I need-- less stress. But the fact that it took her to have 4 or 5 students practically spazzing on her to finally see what a fucked up idea it was to have the test on Wednesday... ::shakes head:: it amazes me at how damn dense that lady is.

EXAMPLE 3: At practice, something happened where we were running our relays and Kristi & Brenda missed that baton, and Misti was yelling at Brenda to pick it back up and finish... well... pretty much I told Misti how I've been feeling and said what Lindberg advised me to say. Pretty much, Misti promised that if she didn't explain something she did then and there, she'd definitely explain it to us later. She said that we should feel free to say "what the hell is this for?!?" and so... I have a feeling I'll be saying that sometime soon. She did go on to say how she sees all the potential I have and just wants me to use all of my potential... why the fuck do ppl have to keep going on and on about how much fucking "potential" I have? ENOUGH GOD DAMMIT!! IT'S FUCKING KILLING ME!!!!

EXAMPLE 4: Walking up to the van, I cut across the dirt in front of the school and tripped-- yes, tripped on the teeny-tiny edge of concrete there!! Dylan was reading in the van and looked over with a raised eyebrow as I was getting up off the ground...

So then, after 3rd, I went to talk to Lindberg about something else that's been bothering me for a while... well... worrying me for a while. But, alas... she was gone and wasn't there later today so there's a note on my door asking her to call me down if she's not busy. I don't know what I wouldn't do w/o her telling me what a good kid I am and telling me that if she has a daughter, she hopes she's half the person I am. And everyone else for telling me that they're here for me if I ever need to talk... last nite... talk to Kat, when I emailed her what I wrote, she goes "I had no idea! You always seem like everything's fine!" That's me... I hide it very well... but since January... I'm learning that its okay to show pain and sorrow and tears and to get help... sometimes... we just all need to get help.

do you realize how much I've cried in the last... 24 hours or less? or this weekend for that matter? since Saturday? I was crying as I was thinking about everything Saturday nite and when I wrote "twised & turned" and "UGLY"... then all that happened last nite had me crying a fucking bunch... and today, starting to cry in the bathroom when I was telling Els about last nite, and then crying in Lindberg's office... and then crying @ practice... so many tears... but tell me...

why the fuck do tears have to freaking sting so damn much?!?! how's that work???

And now I'm home and will be leaving in an hour to pick up Rachel and we'll be going to school to eat pizza and review Chem w/ the class and Mr. Wilson... I want tomorrow to be over so fucking quickly... you have no damn idea. One thing, tho... Lindberg told me to have fun, get sleep and to remember that in the scheme of things... the AP test means very little. But... I just got off the phone w/ my mom, and she says in parting "You better not fail the test or you're paying me back." Who knows if she's joking... she's said that more than once. Talk about getting rid of one stress and then getting 3x the same amount in one comment.