kah2004's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

happy 17th b-day Kessie May!!

HAPPY 17TH BIRFDAY, KESSIE MAY!!

I wrote this on Saturday... so besides that... I have family friends over tonite... made a track state shirt at Brenda's earlier... and now I'm on my way to bed...

-05.25.03 Saturday-
I was doing so very good... believing I would be able to get thru all this... even believing I could let my true feelings show. Now I'm back @ square one, w/ all their disappointment weighing VERY, VERY heavily on my shoulders.

My mom gave me a hug after talking to me... but it was like brushing my teeth to me; something that has to be done, but that you don't always want to do. I laid in my bed crying, my kitty curled & purring @ my side; wishing I could speak to Laughlin or Lindberg.

Thursday she came & sat down in front of me after handing out progress reports in 6th. She said "You know I don't care about grades." WOW. I got teary-eyed then and there... no one has ever said that to me (an adult). She continued on to say that if needed, next year she'd make huge signs & banners saying "Kamille is wonderful" and "Kamille is amazing & awesome" and things like that. She told me I'd be welcome ANYTIME to come and visit and talk next year.

After my mom walked out of my room... I laid in bed crying, thinking about Laughlin. Her and Lindberg are the two people (adults) I wanted hugs from now, more than ever.

I just laid there, thinking about Caity's note, about how I could get thru this... and how I was starting to ACTUALLY believe I could do that.

NOW... my mind keeps straying to that ugly, deep, deep, black hole known as suicide. It would end all of this for me... but at the same time, I wonder & want to see what will come after high school. I want to experience life, love, freedom, independence... I want to be my own boss. But at the same time, I want to end all the hurt and pain and I want to stop seeing all the disappointment in their eyes, as it wills me to fail and pushes me deeper under the current of misery.

I want to experience life outside this house, these walls, this life I know now. While at the same time... I just want to end all the pain & suicide would do that, as well as end my life.

Where suicide is concerned, I just keep thinking about cause & effect. The effect it would have on my family, friends, etc. I couldn't stand knowing I put my friends thru such pain and misery; yet I can't stand the pain and misery my family causes in me.

I am worthless, not good for nothing, a waste of human space.

UGLY --05.10.03 Sat.--
Deception and darkness, lies and weakness.
All are things I hold inside.
This side of me, so very well that I hide;
So very black and ugly inside.
Inside I cry and weep for me,
For all the bad and hate and lies.
Ugly and scared, evil and black;
I try to push away the temptation,
but am pulled down by strength's lack.
So many dark secrets I hold inside;
No one can even fathom my dark tide.
Washes in and washes out with the stars,
Leaving behind such ugly scars.
Reminders of what I've done;
Of the lies and stealing I've done;
Of the misery and hatred inside I hold;
Hatred for myself and misery caused by others;
I am ugly.
So many dark secrets I hold inside,
No one can even fathom my dark tide;
All the things from them I hide,
Can anyone penetrate this dark hide?
So many things I wish I'd never do,
Why can't I let you in and show the true?
Will I ever be deserving of you,
When inside I am so very ugly?

that's what I wrote on Saturday... and all I could think about what how I have a freaking 3-day weekend and it all goes bad... but... Sunday was spent de-mossing the front steps and "paying" for the coffee pot me & Taylor broke (while he sat on his ass all day "doing hw"). So now... I'm feeling more like myself, tho sick and getting worse. I have a pounding headache from coughing too damn much & still gotta back track stuff for tomorrow AND for WEDNESDAY!!!

So freaking siked... more on the part of being parent free 'til Sunday or so... maybe not until Sunday nite b/c we're getting home @ 2 or 3 in the morning on Sunday morning and Brenda said I could probably stay with her until a decent time for my rents to come pick me up.

getting sleepy so I'm signing off now...