kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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school is OVER & summer has begun...

SCHOOL IS OVER, BABY!!!

wow... yesterday was... wow. a total of... 18 ppls showed up; pretty good for inviting about 30 ppls. everyone who managed to come had a blast and i know that boxing in Rob's bronco was the absolutely perfect way to end the evening!

some other thoughts...

Invisible -06.18.03- by perfectstorm
All alone
dissolving slowly
passed the bone
I'm fading away
I'm afraid to leave
But more afraid to stay
I'm leaving you
inch by inch
I don't know what to do
You can't see me anymore
I'm invisible
But you don't know what for
I'm gently slipping
into shadows
I stop gripping
As my breathing shallows
I reach for you
but you're not there
And then I remember
that you don't care

reading that poem... after reading some ppls' diaries... i'm wondering about some choices i made over the year... wondering if i did the right thing in not saying what i wanted to say... if i'm going after the right person... wondering if the right person isn't standing right in front of my face wondering why i never noticed them. *sighs* i'm so freaking unsure of things right now... well... where guys stand, at least...

i'm very proud of how i am now... at least where my parents stand. i'm thinking of myself as an umbrella and letting my dad's comments roll off and NOT bug me... and i'm talking to my mom and also am NOT letting her lil' comments not bug me. i'm very proud of myself.

ugh.... don't know why... but.... i absolutely **CAN'T** get him out of my head!! ARGH!! WHY?!?!?! (italicized is me and bold is friend)

i have a question...
okay..shoot
what's the deal w/ you and steve j?
why? sorry....ummm, we're together
just wondering...
is that okay...i mean that sincerely
yeah... just wondering, that's all never really talk to you is all and didn't know
oh okay...I am just being cautious, after what happened with sarah and shawn. that was dreadful, not the way to lose your friends
eek i know!

but.... (ugh) i like alex..... again i............... don't know, him and smoking is too much too often. and that has ALWAYS stopped me from doing anything where he's concerned. so...... i don't know
I don't blame ya. have you talked to him yet about it, maybe it would help
no--don't know what i'd say
tell him you like him but the only thing stopping you is the smoking bit
i don't know. kristi was gonna ask him if he liked me when they went to wildcat on tuesday. but alex ended up NOT going. so... argh!!
hey, you need to pick the non smoking type
yeah.... but.... the ones i wanted don't seem to be interested OR are taken already
boys are dumb
meh can't have 'em can't live w/o them
gotta go. signed off at 6:34:10 PM.

but... something that's bugging me.... ugh...
i feel bad... she got online and i asked her what the deal was... and lied about why i was asking... told her i just never talk to her and didn't know. good reason to want to know... i don't have the heart to tell her that i want her b/f... they're both damn good friends of mine... and this is kinda new for me. i truly don't want to take her bf... but... i... i don't know anymore. its just... i've gotten a peak of the amazingly cool guy that he is... and i wanted more than just a peak. i want to know him as MORE than a friend... but to do that to her... and to let him know how i feel...? even tho his g/f is one of my best friends....? EEK!!! i can't take this!! ARGH!! why is that usually the guy i like is already taken or is NOT interested...?!?! *hmmph* not lucky in love is bummed out... so much for MY summer plans...

onto better thoughts... so it turned out that Caitlin, Laura, Patrick, Hawk, Kristi, Brenda, Steve J, Eric, Mary, Karen, Elsa, Cody, Alex, Ana, Jason, Scott, Rob, and Shane all came yesterday...

Ana dropped me and Cait off while she took Jason to her house so he could take a shower (no electricity) and so i was moving the Subaru into the garage when laura came and then everyone else came, too. we all hung out while i ran around with Haddie and let her chase me... then everyone all finally showed up so around 2:30 or so we headed down to the beach... thank GOD Patrick had the 'burb... saved ppls' gas! lol!

we chilled at the beach while patrick and Steve tried to throw Ana in the water, i acted like i was gonna push Hawk in the water, Patrick & Steve grabbed me and pretended to push me in the water while i tried unsuccessfully to get 'em where it hurt... found a purple/redish/marroonish color lil' crab... crab wars were fun, a nice traditon from last year's party... lol... cody wanted me to give him crabs "QUICK! when no one's looking!" haha... funny guy. throwing rocks @ patrick and jason and alex and caitlin and cody and eric and karen was a blast as always... "the old women's clam-digging association" was having a meeting while we were down there; i found out how to make the gate stay open all the way; talked to laura about school and elsa & mary had fun in the mud and water.

back to my house after calling shane and telling him where we were at... here's to running to the 'Burb and Steve, me and Cait ALL sitting in the front seat ("move kamille-- i can't drive!") and high-tailing it out of there before anyone else caught up. here's to messing around w/ jay hanging onto the back ("quick--get in!") and then getting outta the front so Patrick could drive ("i'm moving back--so am i scoot over!") and then they all left me while i turned "on" the gate and then having to ride in the back of eric's truck home w/ mary "dirt in my mouth! YUCK!" and then having Pat pass us like crazy and then running around the field in hopes that they didn't have the gate opener (damn--they did!).

Fun times-- "WILL EVERYBODY SHUT UP?!?! Whoever's got $$-- pass it to ME!!" -"i'll help you count that while you call"- "i don't THINK so!! i can handle it" and having ppl throw ca$h @ me and having $41 to buy 2 huge pizzas from Camp Union ("you forget that we got two football players here, Patrick and me-- and Mary") and then having $3 for Eric to pocket for change "i can do it TWICE!" --"i can do it 3 ways!"- **shakes head, never will I forget that, Eric!! HAHA!!* wow... so many ppls so much freaking FUN!! and edit b/c I remembered that we locked Rob outside (Steve & Elsa managed to get back in some how) and then Pat mooned him!! LOL!! It was HILARIOUS!! I was facing the other way (obviously) and I hear Hawk go "AAHGAAH!!" lol... heeeheeeheee...

whoever says you can't have fun sober... never came and hung out w/ my friends.... just the right amount of ppl and the right types of ppl ended up coming (tho i missed a couple ppls *sniff*) to equal TONS & TONS of good times!!

Laura, Scott, Kristi, and Brenda left; Cody took Karen home.... leaving the rest of us to play frisbee and then loose the frisbee over the cliff, to mess around w/ the swing, to have a pinecone war, to watch Shane throw the ball 3 times over the cliff... and finally banning him from throwing the ball (lol) and watching Shane take out Robert and totally bodyslam him!! PRICELESS!!...then after Pat tried to get us all to start a party train to the absolute middle of nowhere... we all settled down and watched "Happy Gilmore"... and we had Haddie with us and i freaked out when Karen called and i put her down and i turned around and she was GONE and then realizing Cody was laughing @ me b/c Haddie was sound asleep in his lap. "all i was taught was punch and grope, punch and grope!" -"gnaaaa!"- "you want the puppy Dustin?" -"gnaaaa!"- that boy SPEAKS in grabbing gestures!! LOL!! *smirk*

too much in so long of a time... 1pm to 10pm was when it FINALLY all wound down... ended the evening w/ them ALL boxing in Rob's car so he couldn't get out (we got pics, too!) and having Pat's and Jason's cars only INCHES from Rob's... PRICELESS!!

we all hung out @ the top of the driveway after Steve left and took Shane & Caitlin home... (as they all did the occasional donut) from 9 til Jason and Ana left @ 10... lots of fun and funniest thing was seeing Pat try and take out that deer!! again.... PRICELESS!!

got my bro's kitten here (Mocha) whose a cutie pie and sweet as ever (BLUEST eyes you'll EVER see!) and here i sit typing w/ PLENTY on my mind... i wanna call Kristi & Jess & Ana & Caity & Karen & others... ARGH!! *.*

7:25 PM - 06.19.03 Thursday

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