kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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Ramblings of a Lost Soul

I think I need to ban myself from watching anything slightly romantic. I have made my way through four full seasons of "The L Word" (haven't gotten my hands on Season 1 yet) and add in my faves of "The Thomas Crowne Affair" and "Sideways" I am just... feeling my age, I guess you could say.

And then there's the nights with the girls... lately it has been the discussion of one friend's possible marriage and the legal reasoning behind it and the emotional reasoning behind it. Plus more news of one aquantence or another becoming pregnant, engagement or married... every where I look, one is becoming two and here I am, almost 25, single, independent, living on my own, being on my own and instead of celebrating the fact, I am just sad. Sad that I am not sharing it with someone, sad that I don't have someone to tell my stories to. I look around at my life and I see the things that I wanted and the things I don't have and they all end with the same word: single.

I love my girls and the time I spend with them but after every instance, I open a bottle of wine, pour a glass, add a few more ounces and then sit and wonder... what the fuck am I doing? I push myself to think back to when I was little and the things I hoped I would have accomplished by this age and my mind is blank. All I hear is my father's voice telling me to not settle down until I was financially stable on my own, until I could take care of myself without a man, until I was completely independent. So, here I am, having achieved that and what? What I am left with? Complete independence and lonliness? Is that really what my life is going to be? I go to work, I visit friends, I come home alone to the same place, to the same quiet, to shed the same tears?

I want to change... I just don't know how or where or what. I know that I need to be strong and pick my fights, pick my loyalties, pick my rights. I'm not sure what those are right now, putting things out of sight, out of mind was a temporary fix and now I feel like I am stuck in the same spot, stuck in the same patch of quicksand and I cannot find that long, strong branch that I used to climb out before. Maybe, I just need to fly away to a tropical place, give my credit cards a run for their money and see what trouble I can find as a single, 25-year old alone in a new and foreign land...

but I really, really would love to experience that with another person.



Oh, and we talked about rings... the rings. For once in my life, the idea of that ring, a celtic band design highlighting a fire or blue opal possibly offset with small diamonds, of course the opal is more important to me, diamonds don't really mean much to me... opals are many faceted, multi-colored, precious gems that forever sparkle and shimmer and give hints of seduction, romance, and the burn of a deep love. Yup, I'm definitely not a hopeless romantic. Ach. The ring, the dress, the ceremony... not sure about that. I still like my idea of going of to a tropical/foreign place, getting married and then coming back and hosting a week-long celebration. I've seen the weddings, helped with the weddings, been in the weddings and it is not something for me.

Oh god, all this stuff, all these thoughts... they are so foreign to me. I never thought about rings, girlie stuffs like dresses, ideas like this and... I feel like I have a head in the clouds and that I'm not on earth, that I'm thinking about things that will never happen. That's the biggest thing, I just feel like it will never be a part of my life. Why the hell am I thinking of this...

I am just a stupid, emotional girl... I'm not allowed to feel, to cry, to show emotion.



I want this... a lifelong, deep, passionate love affair that lasts a lifetime. Is that possible?

Haid�e spoke not of scruples, ask'd no vows,
Nor offer'd any; she had never heard
Of plight and promises to be a spouse,
Or perils by a loving maid incurr'd;
She was all which pure ignorance allows,
And flew to her young mate like a young bird;
And, never having dreamt of falsehood, she
Had not one word to say of constancy.

She loved, and was belov�d -- she adored,
And she was worshipp'd; after nature's fashion,
Their intense souls, into each other pour'd,
If souls could die, had perish'd in that passion, --
But by degrees their senses were restored,
Again to be o'ercome, again to dash on;
And, beating 'gainst his bosom, Haid�e's heart
Felt as if never more to beat apart.

4:46 PM - 12.02.10 Thursday

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