kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...a quarter of a century for what?? Well, today was Super Bowl Sunday... and I actually watched it this year. And I thought about Grandpa and his cancer and... everything. So now I'm attempting to download the second part of the movie Burlesque and watching Valentine's Day. Ach. So many things... I finally have a voice again and finally am starting to feel normal again. Finally. It's been a week with no voice and working in a call center kinda means you need a voice. Ugh. Luckily, I managed to keep enough time-off free to keep my birthday off. That's right. The big 2-5.... and guess what. I have no clue what I want to do this year. Ach. I fee like I have gone in reverse.... like last year was my "good" year. Heh, maybe I'll just blame it on the fact that last year I actually got my wish come true, for the first time ever -- I was able to spend it with someone. I wonder what stories my grandfather would be telling us if he were alive right now. So many things swirling around in my head lately, I blame it on this whole not being able to talk so that my voice returns. I finally gave up on the warm liquid diet only and made some popcorn. I just needed something... solid, especially after almost of week of just hot liquids and honey and lemon. She lies there, watching as the clothes find their home, snug in the job of warmth and protection to his form. Okay, so last year was not all just about being with someone on my birthday... it was also the sex. Ach. Back to celibacy and porn and eventually... just... forgetting how good and wonderful it feels to be wanted and touched and needed... It seriously is like a drug. But there's so many things. The healthy release that only sex can give and how sometimes that is the only thing that will make me feel better... besides a hug. Last year, I was held and kissed and... I had sex. This year on my 25th, a quarter of a century old... and I honestly feel like crawling into a hole and just... disappearing. Do you ever just wish that for one day, someone would take care of you? I spend every minute of every single day taking care of myself and doing everything for myself and... I just want to give over that control and have someone else take care of me. Well, its more than that, its the companionship I miss. And what's the big deal about valentine's day anyways? Last year was supposed to be a celebration and it ended in a fight and awkwardly listening to someone else have sex. The one good experience I had was in HS when I got a random flower. There's so many things I wish I knew how to get. I wish I knew how to flirt and how to get a date. The older couple in "Valentine's Day"? That's what I wish I could have... that lifetime love, that companion, that person to share everything with, all the ups and downs... all the good and bad. Nowadays, I've felt like its just me, myself, and I. Days go by and if I don't send a message to someone, no one ever sends me one. I stay home because I don't know what to do anymore. Where to go... who to call. Loneliness, that is my biggest fear, I guess... knowing that I will be 25 and not feeling like anyone cares. I know how pitiful that sounds cause I know people who care. I just... I want someone to SHOW that they care. I wish someone would text me just to say hello, would call me to see how I am, would send me a card because they thought I'd laugh at it. I've stopped doing that, stopped showing I care. I thought... I guess I don't know what else to do. For my birthday, yes the physical would be nice, but I just... I don't want to be alone. When I'm alone, I'll be thinking about my birth mom, my grandfather, my grandma, and how I am a party of one. I'll be thinking about miserable I am and how I'd rather sleep away the day cuz no one will call be anyways. Heh, that happened a few years ago. And then I signed onto Facebook and had 20+ comments from people wishing me a happy birthday. I kinda hate that now... I want to have calls and talk and letters and cards. I want people to show that they care, not log onto a damn website that tells them whose birthday it is. And so, this Friday... Hello, 25, party of one. 12:27 AM - 02.07.11 Monday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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