kah2004's Diaryland Diary

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Its all a jumbled nest of questions...

I think, that if I can stay sane enough, long enough, give enough, receive enough... and not back down, I think I could have a chance at that lifetime love.

We finally had "the talk" and hashed out exactly what we're doing. Granted, it didn't really solidify anything except that we're in a fluid-bonded relationship and that protection is always required. But what really caught me off guard was the question about traveling the world. Its funny, for one so very narcarcistic of a mindset, thinking I would be "dragged" along with him, all around the world? I just... I realize now, that the conversation may have ended, but it is not resolved. I have more questions. I thought about it, the weight and the truthfulness of what that statement means to me... and what I said last night in answer, that if I could find something in it for myself to do while traveling around the world, then I would join him, but if not, then I would not. But, I wonder... does he realize exactly what he is assuming?

And then there's the result of the talk. I feel pretty good about it, but I also feel like there was something being left out on his part. Maybe that's just be reading more into the spilled milk. It is what it is... but, really... is it? I meant it when I told him I am no longer in love with him. Will that change? Yes, it can easily change. But, to make that change on my end, I would need to see a great commitment on his end, and even though I don't think he would give that to me... his question about traveling the world with him kind of shows that sort of commitment in another light.

Its interesting... I slept on and off after our conversation, realizing there was more in my head that just feel good and comfortable with our talk. I actually... I wanted more. I guess, his admission that he misses me, it means a lot to me, and I tread lightly on how to say it. But... if I really, really let myself... truthfully, I could easily fall back in love with him. But, right now.... it would be all wrong, all heartbreak, all bad. Right now, if I pushed him to give into me, if he did, he would only be doing it to please me, not because he thought it was best. And if he's going to go down that road with me, then I want it to be because he wants ME, not because its what I want.

But I digress. I am being careful and specific and guarded. I meant it when I told him I deeply cared for him and will always love him... but I'm just not IN love with him. I now understand the difference between those two phrases, he has taught me that. Hell, he's taught me a lot... have I ever told him that? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, maybe its time to stroke his ego a little bit... course, he spends enough doing that on his own -- I think he needs a little cut down every once in awhile...

I am proud of myself, though... I quickly caught on to the large viewed thoughts he was happening stemmed from Steven and I was right on the money... and his thoughts on our "union" as he called it compared to Steven. A difference they will never see eye to eye on. I'm glad that I hold a positive part in his life. I think, even though he might not see it... I think that if we really continue to be honest and open and fully-disclose everything, then it might just happen... someday, maybe he will trully see... me. To some extent I know he sees me know, but we both still have a lot of growing to do...

I wonder... and, honestly, he's been the one person I have have had to fight and argue and push to keep in my life, but lately... I feel at ease. Our conversation makes me think that in five or ten years, maybe he will realize what's right in front of him and what has been right in front of him. I wonder if he realizes the full weight of his assumption that I would travel the world with him... and to be completely honest, I've thought of how much I would enjoy traveling with him. I don't know what it is... but I know that I would enjoy it. I'm not the best traveller, I was a world-class traveller before I turned 15, but these days its far and few between travelling much less leaving the country. When I think of the type of things he could do with his life, with his intellect, with his ideals... I meant it when I told him I wanted to be a witness to that, to what he does. And if I were absolutely and completely honest... I would live with him, too. I think... I think I should call him tonight and ask some more. I thought I thought about a lot of what-if's and future things but I think I've found someone who thinks about it more than me...

Maybe, someday, I will tell him that I want to talk a step up with our union... maybe, someday. Is that someday now? No, its not... Mr. Narcissism is not ready to admit that... or is he? Well, there's only one way to find out, I guess...

At least he says he wants to host me if I ever want to come visit the big city... we'll always have that, right?

7:47 PM - 03.30.11 Wednesday

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