kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And on it goes... I feel sick. My schedule is opening all week so all the money I have is going towards taxi fare. All because work will not give people a preference on when they work. I cannot do this. All my money cannot be going to taxis cause my employers are insensitive bastards. I feel sick. I'm going to have to call the rents again. There's no way around it. I'm a mess and have no support system. I don't know how to open up to people. All day long I am all smiles and act like life is fine. Then I go home and sleep and cry. When did life go down hill? I must remember that it can always get worse, but I still feel sick. I have no friends to lean on, no one to talk to, no one I can track down because I crave a real human connection. I realized the other day that my life has become smoke and mirrors. No one at work cares that I am struggling. Everyone expects me to smile and play along. So damn superficial and it is breaking me down. I do not work with a single person who is not in a committed relationship. Everyone has families and kids and husbands and boyfriends. Everyone has someone to go home to. I might be lucky if I receive a text back. I don't even attempt calling cause no one will ever answer my calls. The other day I got lucky. I called a friend just to hear another person's voice who I know cares. I feel desperate all the time. I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowd, scrambling around, trying to get peoples' attention that I need help, that I need love, that I want a connection and everyone just continues walking and no one notices me, frantic, desperately trying to get someone to notice me. I am full of pity and "woe is me" but I will move on from these emotions and remember that life could be worse. At the same time though, I am living my worst nightmare, of being forgotten, alone... When did life become my living nightmare? 6:38 AM - 08.07.11 Sunday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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