kah2004's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jaded, alone, forgotten... this is my life now. This 25th year of my life is almost over, and the 26th year will begin. Has it been everything I hoped for and more? No, actually it has not. With the change of a job back in March, I lost a very large group of friends that filled my life. Then the summer ended a very dear friendship and the end of loving someone in a sincere, friendly way. And so, here I sit, last day of October. I spend my days working at a job where everything is fake. Nothing sincere and only one maybe two people at that job actually ask me sincere questions. I go home to an empty apartment and turn on whatever new tv series I'm watching through or open whatever book I'm reading and my night continues alone. I mostly sleep on the couch nowadays because my bed is filled with so many memories that it hurts my heart and makes me cry, cry, cry that I can't sleep there anymore. I spend my days working and then come home and barely have the energy to make a meal for myself or do anything simple like put away a few dishes. I don't go out any more and cannot remember the last time I went to a bar. I've learned I cannot count on anyone and whenever someone offers help, inside I laugh and say, "Fuck that," because I know in the moment of really, honestly needing someone's help, no one ever answers their phone. My 25th year has left me alone and not being able to trust or believe that people are there for me. In so many ways I find myself alone and some days I convince myself I am okay with it and some days I just want to be held and have someone to make ME their priority. I'm 25 years old, independent, and have no one. Many days I wonder what would happen in a true moment of crisis. Who would I call? I honestly don't have an answer to that anymore. Where did my support go? When did friendships become so fickle? When did I become the only single person I know? The only person who does *not* have someone they can call at a moment's notice who can calm them down, will come over, will hug them, will just BE THERE.
I enjoy cooking and will continue it. But, mostly, I feel like no matter what I do, no one cares. I really don't know what to change in my life or what to say to make people see me more clearly. When I am asked, "How are you? What have you been up to?" I get sarcastic and look the person in the eye and say, "Seriously? Not a damn thing has changed." At the end of the day, I want someone to love me and whom I can love back. Someone to hold me and laugh with me and dance with me. Someone I can tell my stories to. Someone to share experiences with, and whom will make ME their priority. Most days, I feel forgotten and I guess that's all I will ever be... 6:42 AM - 10.31.11 Monday ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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